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23-Jul-2020 14:54

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Trying without trying doesn’t work for me, because whenever I sit back and let other people do the work, I sometimes end up with friends whom I don’t like, which is just terrible for the soul. I just don’t have space for the emotional labor of making friendships.

It’s way better for everyone if you just ghost them and are lonely for awhile. I just want to sit down next to someone and immediately dive into the deeper conversations about our lives, and also share memes and dance moves, and maybe text at night about Beyoncé and job searches, etc.

She was a few minutes late, and the server who filled two glasses with water seemed to know I was on a date. For days, I enjoyed my new apartment, all on my own. By that evening, I felt desperate to get out and be social.

I continued to bounce from place to place into adulthood. My new roommate, a stranger I’d met on Craigslist, got sick as soon as I arrived and went to her mom’s house in the south suburbs. One morning I woke up and wished I had someone to talk to.

I started working out just to talk to old people in the gym.

I would basically sit in our bleak apartment and apply for jobs then drive around town looking for good coffee shops.

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I’m asking myself questions I last wondered when I was 7 years old: How do you make friends? Do you have to just be willing to be embarrassed and vulnerable and for advice.

I now live in Portland, Ore., and for almost a year, many of my nights were spent on Tinder dates.

When things didn’t work out, often I’d suggest that we remain friends. After several rounds of this unusual friend-making process, it struck me that if I were to throw a party with all my “friends,” things could get awkward.

But all it takes is ONE friend, I’ve learned, to feel like basically everything is okay.

Moving from Minneapolis to Cedar Rapids with my husband when I was 22 and didn’t have a job was one of the loneliest times in my life.

“Having no friends” is the sort of thing you want to add a dozen disclaimers to, because it sounds so sad.