Dating secrets to success with women by michael w
When you spend time with people who’ve been happily coupled for most of their lives, it’s the little things you notice. Almost always, though, it begins with love, says Karl Pillemer, professor of human development at Cornell University and author of the book “30 Lessons for Loving,” based on interviews with 700 seniors.
The ring of admiration in his voice as he describes her successes. They have beaten the odds of death and divorce: Of all current U. marriages, only 7 percent have reached the 50-year mark, according to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University. A happy long-term union, the experts seem to agree, hinges in part on pairing up wisely and in part on mastering the skills that foster a healthy marriage.
“It’s the way that we are very, very close,” says John, who met Nancy in 1958 when both were students at Pennsylvania State University.
“Everyone has disagreements,” but with the daily ritual, “you close out the day on a high note and everything that happened that day is now behind you.” That there is a physical element to the ritual is no accident.
It helps, too, to pick a mate who is resilient in the face of life’s curveballs, says Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist and AARP’s relationships expert.
“Someone who will go, ‘Okay, this is the new normal; let’s figure it out.’ Or ‘This is exciting; let’s have an adventure.’ That flexibility, that lack of entitlement to a predictable future, is just a wonderful characteristic.” While the old saw may be that opposites attract, the experts advise pairing with someone who is a close match on core values: religion, sex, parenting, money and family.
“Essentially everyone, and people in long marriages in particular, described a tangible, often overwhelming feeling, a sense of extraordinary rightness,” says Pillemer.The two, who make it their habit to hold hands on their daily walks, start each day with a hug, as well.“Or she’ll be making cookies, and I’ll walk by and say, ‘I need a hug,’ ” says John. “ ‘I need a hug,’ that’s something we’ve always said.” Of course hugs alone didn’t get them through raising two children and negotiating the frequent moves that came with John’s career as an Air Force pilot and meteorologist.Many described feeling that they’d found not only a person they could live with, but perhaps couldn’t live without.
Equally important is choosing (and, of course, being) a solid life partner: Reliable, responsible and honest are a good start.Harold and Ann Thomas Washington Married 50 years He can’t resist a little ribbing, though, and neither can Ann, 76, as they talk about their union, which started with those first looks but solidified over similar upbringings and life goals.