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09-Jul-2020 20:13

Maybe I could put on Big Bond Themes and pretend I'm entering data for MI6.)Mark: (Come on, Mark, turn it on! ) Oh, er, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial, you might get an interdenominational...er, you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind (Just stay mute, Mark. Remain in your compound.)Mark: (Need time to think.

I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring it feels like it might go on forever.

)Jez: Eh, I've done quite a lot actually, I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphabetabecising the videos, doing the spices, I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience in a professional...

(God, that sounded amazing, don't accidentally get the bugger! Yeah, so my new idea is urine.) [urinates into drawer] (Loads and loads of urine, flooding your drawers. ) [phone rings, Mark answers] JLB Credit, fuck off please! I'm just surprised you can see me from all the way up there in your ivory tower.

[Holds up a tissue box] People are going to think we spend the whole time wanking. This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.)Jez: What I mean is that they should be more honest. But that's so fraught with potential problems.)Mark: (Yeah, you won't be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. But can't we take the best of that--the nice music, the colors, the I Have A Dream, et cetera--but not have to face the ... Jez: He's not a mature student, he's been a loan manager for the last five years. Light, not slimey, ohhh can't retract the wink...unless...[winks a few times]) See you (Brilliant - the twitching freak, works every time)Mark: It was good to see you in Gino's. Next time I have acupuncture, I'll get someone else to do it for me. God she's probably getting wet just looking at me.) Hold your horses honey, I've got coupons for the Pringles. A proper girlfriend reading a best-seller about child-abuse. I'm just a normal functioning member of the human race and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.)Super Hans: Listen love, just a little tip alright?

(Nine months and thirteen days.) I mean look at us! What I really need is a good, long look at another man's bollocks. I'm definitely king of the hippie jungle.)Mark: Look, Jez, what I'm trying to say is, for better or worse, the sixties happened and now sex is fine. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Listen I'm just going to go over to my stupid friend and grrr, give her a good shake, but if you ever want to call me about anything then I'm in the book, Mark Corrigan (Too formal, lighten things up [winks at her]. ) Yeah so sorry if I was acting a bit weird, I guess I just wanted to see if you might want to hang out sometime? Yeah, that's right honey, I'm a street fighting man.

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I could do the music.)Mark: [Putting on socks.] (I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears. Makes a man look scary – like a chicken.) [Jeremy walks by, wearing only socks.] (He just does not give one solitary shit.)Mark (A bloody swastika!

She's definitely the most boring person here.) [Looks at group of people] (I mean, they look great, they're probably talking about how they're going to make a real life porn movie with a proper story and everything... Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants, that’s the rule. ) [Bangs his head twice against wall]Mark: Listen, Jeremy, you don't seem to understand. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out. because he's a crackhead and he does that sort of thing all the time.

It’s only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you’re not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth. Mark: She's not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad, and you're back at the house banging the mum! Mark: (Oh God, the first fiancé challenge and I've got a gun. It's OK, it's perfectly normal, this is the country. They go around shooting crows, and trespassers, and eventually, because of the EU, themselves.)Johnson: Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone.

Legs like two great steam locomotives, pumping away, I'm unstoppable - JESUS, is that a stitch? Oh, I think I'm gonna puke, I'm literally going to die, ugh, what an idiotic boob I was back ten or eleven seconds ago.)Mark: (How did my house become a rave? They'll never leave and eventually they'll brick me up in my room and ownership will pass to them because a high court judge will rule me to be officially not living life to the max.)Mark: While we’re at it, there are systems for a reason in this world. It’s not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, alright?

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