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Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when we're done shopping. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.

Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.

Then in 1960, the Ansafone, created by inventor Dr.

Kazuo Hashimoto (Phonetel), was the first answering machine sold in the USA.

And if you can make your message rhyme, We'll call you back in half the time!!!!! So if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...) (Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home." (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. (Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone" Hello. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you! (or) (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. (Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening.

If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP (To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone. (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.

All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

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Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call. but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back-only that I won't. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72." No! You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. However if you are one of the many guys that's looking for a Play Girl job slip in to something comfortable and come on over. 12/28/04 - Tiffany from Nacogdoches, TX: This is ______ if you take the time to leave me a message i'll take the time to call you back! 12/08/04 - Nate Adkins from Le Sage, WV: "Advanced Auto Parts this is Jeff, just joking its (your name) leave a message" 12/08/04 - ANDY & JESSICA from OUT: PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE 12/08/04 - ANDY & JESSICA from OUT: PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE 12/08/04 - Kati from California: Hello. 12/07/04 - Sarah from NJ: h Ay Lo this is ulga ____inner beast!! 12/04/04 - dev from home: hilarious 12/02/04 - jamie from earth: I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. (that'll confuse them) 11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: (with loud music playing in backround) Hello? 11/15/04 - Samber from Hell, Mexico: I was just kidding about the hell comment... You've got the machine, you know the routine, so leave a message after the beep!

Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message. (French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. (US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... (Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back. [Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice] Hello, this is the executioner.

You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. (Mac Intosh Plus with Mac Intalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. (With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD!

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. 02/26/05 - Terra Dickoff from Blueballs, Ainus: if you would like to suck my tiny balls call 970-333-1576 02/17/05 - Dodo from Baaland: I like toothpicks. 01/29/05 - Casey from USA: What the hell do u want? 01/27/05 - Daisy from Van Nuys: nice 01/22/05 - Hash from niggertown: This site is like not so cool cant you think of something els to take up space on the net for fuck sakes 01/21/05 - Cyndi from PA: This site SUCKS 01/21/05 - becca has big boobies from dc.: (in a chinese voice)helo? so leave me a message and mabye just maybe ill get back to you 01/17/05 - FLOWER from TEXAS: YOU GOT ME, NOW I WANT YOU......... 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, If you're a bill collector we sent the money, if you're a telemarketer this call is gonna cost you money, if you're our parents send some moeny, if you're our friends you owe us money, if you are a man you'll supply the money...

If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! All I can say is leave me a My time is billed at 5 per hour. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only

If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! All I can say is leave me a My time is billed at 5 per hour. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only [[

If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! All I can say is leave me a My time is billed at $125 per hour. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. 02/14/05 - Lady_Joka from Mexico: HOLLA AT YOUR MAMI SEXY CHICOS CHAO BESOS 02/10/05 - crystal from canada: this site truly does suck balls 02/08/05 - me from your pants: ...head(s) 02/08/05 - sam gomez from 5097605497: cool 02/06/05 - david from new york: hello, a watsup, hold a sec ,______ you have a phone call (in the backround )tell him to call me back, hello, ye he cant speak to you bye (click) 02/03/05 - Pink Condomz from Midwest: you've reached _______ but this is her boyfriend _________ if you are a guy you may want to hang up now if you hear sirens in 5 minutes u probably should run.. 01/31/05 - Ben Dover from walla walla washington: Hi im not here right now, i mean im here now but imrecording so i might not be here later, i mean now but later, like after i record the message, i mean im recording the message now but after its recorded you might call, i mean if your calling now then i already recorded the...beep! TO LEAVE A MESSAGE 01/17/05 - BRITT from i don't know??? 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, You've reached Victoria Secret's Thong Salon.

The ideas on this page will help you come up with a more creative greeting for your machine.

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If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! All I can say is leave me a My time is billed at $125 per hour. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. 02/14/05 - Lady_Joka from Mexico: HOLLA AT YOUR MAMI SEXY CHICOS CHAO BESOS 02/10/05 - crystal from canada: this site truly does suck balls 02/08/05 - me from your pants: ...head(s) 02/08/05 - sam gomez from 5097605497: cool 02/06/05 - david from new york: hello, a watsup, hold a sec ,______ you have a phone call (in the backround )tell him to call me back, hello, ye he cant speak to you bye (click) 02/03/05 - Pink Condomz from Midwest: you've reached _______ but this is her boyfriend _________ if you are a guy you may want to hang up now if you hear sirens in 5 minutes u probably should run.. 01/31/05 - Ben Dover from walla walla washington: Hi im not here right now, i mean im here now but imrecording so i might not be here later, i mean now but later, like after i record the message, i mean im recording the message now but after its recorded you might call, i mean if your calling now then i already recorded the...beep! TO LEAVE A MESSAGE 01/17/05 - BRITT from i don't know??? 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, You've reached Victoria Secret's Thong Salon.The ideas on this page will help you come up with a more creative greeting for your machine.

]].95 per minute! If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. 02/14/05 - Lady_Joka from Mexico: HOLLA AT YOUR MAMI SEXY CHICOS CHAO BESOS 02/10/05 - crystal from canada: this site truly does suck balls 02/08/05 - me from your pants: ...head(s) 02/08/05 - sam gomez from 5097605497: cool 02/06/05 - david from new york: hello, a watsup, hold a sec ,______ you have a phone call (in the backround )tell him to call me back, hello, ye he cant speak to you bye (click) 02/03/05 - Pink Condomz from Midwest: you've reached _______ but this is her boyfriend _________ if you are a guy you may want to hang up now if you hear sirens in 5 minutes u probably should run.. 01/31/05 - Ben Dover from walla walla washington: Hi im not here right now, i mean im here now but imrecording so i might not be here later, i mean now but later, like after i record the message, i mean im recording the message now but after its recorded you might call, i mean if your calling now then i already recorded the...beep! TO LEAVE A MESSAGE 01/17/05 - BRITT from i don't know??? 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, You've reached Victoria Secret's Thong Salon.

The ideas on this page will help you come up with a more creative greeting for your machine.

.95 per minute! If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. 02/14/05 - Lady_Joka from Mexico: HOLLA AT YOUR MAMI SEXY CHICOS CHAO BESOS 02/10/05 - crystal from canada: this site truly does suck balls 02/08/05 - me from your pants: ...head(s) 02/08/05 - sam gomez from 5097605497: cool 02/06/05 - david from new york: hello, a watsup, hold a sec ,______ you have a phone call (in the backround )tell him to call me back, hello, ye he cant speak to you bye (click) 02/03/05 - Pink Condomz from Midwest: you've reached _______ but this is her boyfriend _________ if you are a guy you may want to hang up now if you hear sirens in 5 minutes u probably should run.. 01/31/05 - Ben Dover from walla walla washington: Hi im not here right now, i mean im here now but imrecording so i might not be here later, i mean now but later, like after i record the message, i mean im recording the message now but after its recorded you might call, i mean if your calling now then i already recorded the...beep! TO LEAVE A MESSAGE 01/17/05 - BRITT from i don't know??? 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, You've reached Victoria Secret's Thong Salon.

The ideas on this page will help you come up with a more creative greeting for your machine.